She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
