I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
