it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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