I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
