just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize