sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
