She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
