I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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