the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
