The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
