Girls should come with a carfax report
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
