how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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