If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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