i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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