he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
