I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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