The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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