mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
