My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
