You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
