take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
