dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
