there's paper in my vomit.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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