Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
