I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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