found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
