And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
