I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
