I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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