Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
