I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
