Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
