I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
