I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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