i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to calm my uterus...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
