My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
