im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
