I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
