He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
