I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
