I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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