just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
