I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
