I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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