She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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