I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
