My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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