Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize