My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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