3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize