no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
