Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She swung at the pinata with crutches
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
