i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
