party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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