My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
