My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
